Since I've become a mom, I've grown a love for Valentine's Day. Prior to that, I wasn't really such a fan. Although I've been with my husband since we were dating at the "ripe" age of 16, it still doesn't take away the angst that every girl feels about this day and IF she'll be recognized to the greatest extent of her day-dreamy expectations. The best FB post I saw this year that sums this holiday up in my perspective, came from a teen Girl Scout of mine (who shall remain un-named) who posted, "Might as well bring my own stuffed animal to carry around school all day tomorrow." HA!
But once my girls started realizing the fun and existence of holidays, the day of looove finally took on a new joy for me. Buying trinkets and gadgets, pulling candy out of the candy jar for tot-love-re purposing and making pink heart-shaped cards out of construction paper are right up my alley.
Something happened though with my 4-year-old this year that brought my social-radar knee-jerking into overdrive. Audrey was making her Valentine's cards for her friends at preschool, happily adorning each one with monkey and puppy dog foamie stickers and hand-drawn "hearts." I was impressed by how seriously she selected every detail of these make-shift treasures. "Marlee loves yellow, so I'll use the yellow card. Bradon loves green so I'll use a green crayon." Then, the social bomb; "Sally (this is not her real name) likes blue. Maybe she'll love my card and she'll decide to be my friend."
Sccrreeeeech!!! What?! How does a 4-year-old know someone doesn't want to be her friend? and who is this Sally? Well, she's your normal 4-year-old counter part and quite frankly, the non-friend-wannabe tells her ... bluntly ... "I don't want to be your friend."
Put the claws away fellow mommy-bears. It's okay. It yielded the perfect opportunity for a conversation on friendship, self-concept and individuality.
I started my counter attack on this potential self-concept-crushing-Sally with chatting to Audrey about: "do you want to be Sally's friend?" Then I asked her why and what would make Sally a good friend? I then got to talk to her about what we look for in a friend.
- Is she nice? Does she share? Do you have fun with her when you do play together? (you know the big stuff in life. ;) )
After this I got to lay the groundwork on how it doesn't matter what others think of you, only what you think of yourself. And that not being friends with someone doesn't mean people don't like you, it means that maybe you don't have as much in common. OK, I agree, big concept for a little child, I know. But groundwork is often just that. It's phraseology that hopefully grows as your child does so that eventually it will sound familiar later on down the road (like when they are 12 and major conformists).
So, all in all, I think she was okay. Of course I couldn't resist the urge to
ask her after her party if Sally did in fact like her card. (Guess I can use a reminder in non-people-pleasing.) But I think Audrey was content with the outcome of her Valentine's celebration. Thank goodness, the depth of her love-day requirements equal whether or not she got a lollipop or a sticker from her school friends.
Oh and let's not forget, there are a little social seedling lessons for us grown ups in this encounter too. Perhaps we may forget from time to time that:
1. Not everyone will be friends. Of course we should be kind to everyone, but I'm pretty sure we're not meant to be besties with all of God's creations on earth, all of the time.
and
2. The honesty of children is humbling. Perhaps it's not the best idea to tell someone as directly as "I don't want to be your friend." but all too often we fake being favorites with someone then gossip behind her back. It dishonors not only the person who you've gossiped about and yourself but also those friends who are your true friends. A child's honesty is a good reminder for us all that any sort of untruth can be more hurtful further down the road.
Happy Valentine's to you all!
XOXO
~ Jenny
Whatcha Got? Tell the Seedling Community a time when your child did, or did not, want to be friends with someone of a different opinion. What did you do?
No comments:
Post a Comment